How to See No One is Here to Harm You

If you prefer to listen click here for the audio recording

There is not a single person on this planet who was born to hurt or harm you in any way.  People cause harm out of a reaction to their own fears.  Fear for their physical safety, emotional safety and even fear of feeling safe in their own psyche (mind).  That means if a person perceives a threat to their well-being in any way, they will choose to take action that will protect them or move them away from that perceived threat.

What does that mean for you?  It means another person is not reacting or doing anything because of you.  It has nothing to do with you.  They are acting from a place of fear, a perceived fear.

Haven’t you ever been in a situation where you acted on what appeared to be a threat when it really wasn’t?  Think back to a time where fear took you over.  Was it the person or your perception of the situation that pushed you to act? Often, we are too quick to act when we need to take a step back to question our perception of reality in a given situation.

Yes, fear can be a good thing.  When you are faced with emanate danger such as a tiger or bear chasing you. But in these modern times, the likelihood of encountering these types of dangers is pretty slim.  Most of our modern-day fears stem from a mentally constructed, fabricated illusion of danger. It is our perception of reality that is dangerous.

So, what can you do now that you know this?  Before you act, stop and ask yourself if there is a real threat, are you really in danger, or are you just triggered by the words someone just said.  Words cannot cause harm.  It is only the meaning, the perception of those words that you assign that can cause you any pain.  No one can cause harm, only your perception can.

If you find this helpful or know someone who needs to hear topics like these, please be sure to share.  Be a life changer. You never know what may change the course of someone’s life.

Advertisement

Don’t Wait to be “Home”

Have you ever met someone that inspired you or sparked something within you?  Do you remember what it was that drew you in?  It wasn’t how they dressed or their position in life.  It was the fact that they were truly themselves and you connected with them.  When we see these people in our everyday life it’s a breath of fresh air almost like they are infusing us with a ray of hope that enables us to see we can step into who we are too.

I meet people like this almost everywhere I go.  Last year I was traveling every week for work and had the pleasure of meeting so many wonderful people.  There is one I remember fondly.  She had that special something about her.  We talked and shared our observations and musing about this life and how we believe others should be treated.  She said something that really stuck with me and led me down a road of contemplation.  She said we should treat each other like they are family, especially when they enter our home.  For her, home is a sacred place and the people she invites in need to be treated with love and kindness.

For most of us home is where we can be ourselves, feel love, show kindness and understanding like it’s the only place reserved for such indulgences.  Since I have traveled so much, I see the environment of home a little differently.  Home for me is whatever environment I am in. Wherever I am, I am home.  I cannot wait to go to a physical place to experience who I truly am in this world, that could be weeks and sometimes months.  I have to be myself at all times.  Wherever I go, my beliefs about how to treat others remains the same.

We can’t wait to be at “home” before we decide to treat people with love, kindness and a desire to understand them.  We don’t always get to pick and choose who invites themselves into our life so I do not believe we get to pick and choose how we treat people based on our physical location in the moment.  Be yourself everywhere you go.  Treat people as if you invited them into your home.  Maybe you’ll be that ray of hope someone needs so they can do the same.

The Pleasure of Life

There is nothing more pleasurable in this life than living it fully yourself, fully authentic.

It is truly remarkable how life unfolds with all the ups and downs.  How it feels like waves moving us along, guiding, pushing and pulling us toward some things and away from others.  In the moment we don’t know exactly what is going on or where we are going, but that isn’t the important part we need to know.

What is important then?  It is recognizing what feels true for you in each moment.  Allowing that truth to guide you into the next moment without denying or judging it.  Truth is truth and it is unique to every person.

No two of us are exactly the same.  We each have tendencies toward something in each moment. We are not all attracted to the same outcomes, people or experiences.  We are each here to experience something in our own way and in turn, to help others experience their truth in ways we will never know.  To deny or to judge this is to put our life, the lives of others and this world into chaos.

Yet we do that every day.  We question, we fear, we deny, we run away and for what? All because we don’t want to be judged and are afraid we will not be accepted by the people we have chosen to surround ourselves with?

Well, choose to surround yourself with people who can accept you and build you up to fully experience this life and your truth.  If that means spending a little time alone so be it.  It is better than living a life of fear and trying to please people who will never be pleased.

Choose to show up for yourself.  Commit to living a fully authentic life.  There is nothing more pleasurable.

The Distractions of the Past

Psychology has it place in the world.  I love psychology, even have a graduate degree in the subject.  I completely geek out on the study of human behavior, motivation, theories, techniques, cognitive and behavioral modification therapies, well I think you get it.  While psychology can give us a glimpse and help us understand the underlying reasons we behave or think the way we do, it does not necessarily do a great job in helping those of us in our everyday life.  We can spend a whole lot of time breaking down why we did something, or why we think the thoughts we think that led us to the behavior, but if all we are doing is continually looking at the past then we never be able to enjoy our life in the present.

To make truly profound shifts and transformations in any area of life, whether it is business, relationships, financial, and even in your spiritually, you must acknowledge the past for what it is and incorporate what you gained or learned from the experience.  Acknowledge the past as something that it is done, complete and can do nothing to you right now in this moment nor any other moment in the future.  We cannot go back; we cannot make changes to the past. Trust me, I tried to go back a few times and it did not work, it only left me sitting there exhausted, scared, frustrated and embarrassed.

Even though the past is already a done deal, I see it taking over and destroying so many lives, relationships and businesses.  The past is weighing so heavily on people because they keep trying to change it, control it, run it over repeatedly in their mind. They keep it as a focal point and filter for which they live their lives.  Herein lies the danger, because what you focus on will surely grow.  It cannot help but grow because while you are focused on the past there is no room for anything else.

Maybe you don’t focus on the past; perhaps you do everything in your power to resist the past.  You create ways to never repeat the past and avoid it at all cost.  Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but what you resist will continue to persist.  Yes, the past is still a strong focal point even when you are resisting.  It takes a great deal of effort and energy to resist something.   It would be like me telling you not to think about zebras for the rest of the day.  You are not allowed to picture a zebra in your mind today.  What just happened? Are you thinking about a zebra right now?  Well stop thinking about zebras already! Oh wait that is just the resistance thing I was just mentioning.  Resistance and avoidance do not work very well.  This is why just trying to think positive thoughts all the time to avoid negative thinking often backfires.

Here is what I believe.  We must start with where we are right now.  Look around you. Is your life what you want it to be?  If not, what do you want your life to be like or feel like?  Oh, that sounds wonderful!  Get yourself dreaming again, light yourself up, get enthusiastic about life.

Uh oh! Let me guess, you have a voice in your head telling you: you can’t have that, you can’t do that, oh that is selfish, how will you get that done, you don’t have that kind of money, you definitely don’t have the personality, your family would never go for that….

Every single one of those little voices in your mind are nothing more than a distraction. They hold no truth in them whatsoever.  The mind loves to hear itself talk and it loves to tell you that you cant.  But I am telling you that you absolutely can.  If you are still reading this I know you can and have probably gotten over more distractions in your life than others to get you to where you are in life today.

Start where you are right now.  Determine where you are today and if it is not where you would like to be, started taking steps today.  There are infinite possibilities out there waiting for you. You know which ones light your fire and inspire you.  Your past cannot hold you down when you see it as it is, in the past. You are free to live and experience this life in this moment with a clear and curious mind and an open heart.

Stepping Out of the Trap

As I looked back though my personal journal this week, I found an entry from a time I was trying hard to overcome some fears in my life.  As I read the words, they spoke to my heart and reminded me how to keep fear and control in proper perspective so they don’t completely consume, overtake and leave me feeling trapped.

In life, I notice things going off course or not going my way whenever we judge our circumstances, outcomes or people harshly.  When those things don’t go the way we think they should, we then enter into a state of fear and in turn we attempt to force control over the given situation.  I see fear and control as the trappings of our mind that create to feel of quicksand.  The more we struggle and fight with the quicksand the faster and deeper into the trap we go.  Notice the cycle.  The more we judge the situation, person or outcome harshly the more we feel we must control. The more it doesn’t bow down to our control or turn out the way we want, the greater the fear.  When fear enters the picture, we feel trapped and try even harder to control the situation.  We think forceful control will somehow get us out of the state we find ourselves. But more often than not, we only discover that fear turning into panic and then becomes all-consuming.  HMMMM, something seems really off about the logic here.

If I continue doing the very thing sinking me farther into the trap, what can I expect?

Here is where a personal coaching strategy comes in.  If you can catch yourself in the judgement phase great.  This is one of the earliest places we can step out of the quicksand with little damage done.  For some of us, yes, I am included; we still need to go into the fear trap a little deeper before we catch ourselves.  Wherever you catch yourself in the cycle is perfectly fine.  Noticing you are in a cycle to begin with is a giant leap and gets you more than half way out.  This is the point where you finally stop fighting and struggling and become still enough to see what is truly happening.

Standing still in the midst of our judgement or panic and fear may seem counter intuitive, but it is the best step to getting out of the fear cycle.  Just like when you find yourself in quicksand. The minute you get still and stop struggling to get out of it, is the same minute you stop yourself from sinking farther in.  When we slow down, we wisely and strategically make moves necessary to free ourselves from our perceived troubles and fears.  The act of slowing down allows you to see the truth of what is happening around and inside of you.  Once you identify the truth of the situation or expose the trappings in your mind, you can begin save yourself from the trap.

Once you have slowed down, exposed the lies and identified the truth, the rest is easy.  All the other stuff was just a distraction, like a blindfold over your eyes keeping you from seeing where to go next.  With fresh eyes and a clear perspective you are able to see and accept where you are right now.  You have slowed down enough to do a true assessment of the situation and begin to make the most important moves that will give you the greatest progress.

Here is a bullet point version for your personal coaching moments:

1. Notice you are in a cycle of judgement, control and/or fear
2. Slow down – Stop fighting and struggling
3. Stand still for a moment – Know that you are alright, see that fear cannot overtake you
4. Expose the lies in the trap (perceived troubles and fears)
5. Accept where you are
6. See the truth
7. Make the next most important move

My wish for you is to take this out for a test drive this week and let me know how it plays out in your life, work and even in your relationships.

Have a wonderful week.